The strangely satisfying struggle for money

As someone completely dependent Christ and His Body the church for my funding, there are often dry seasons.  I’m in one of those now, so much so that it puts into question for how long I can return to France.

I should be panicking, I should be scrambling to do things to find a solution, raise more money, striving for a way to break free from financial support, so that I no longer need to be dependent on others.  And yet…

Sure, there is a stressful tension when in comes to $$$, but there’s something strangely satisfying about the struggle for money.  It’s like a detox for the soul, or the last 2.25km of a marathon.  One becomes acutely aware of every strength and weakness, every need, every desire to quit, give up and every doubt.  But like realizing that you’re near the end of a marathon, or knowing that your body is being cleansed, this struggle is strangely satisfying.  Worth it.

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And so it goes with support raising.  I’m acutely aware of the magnitude of my financial needs, as well as my weaknesses.  And while it is completely twisted, this is actually a satisfying place to be.  The greater my financial need, the greater me dependance on God.  If I needed to find an extra $40/month, I could probably do that easily in my own strength.  I could probably even market myself in such a way that could raise more than that.  But when it gets to the point where I am right now – lacking $1900 per month, there’s nothing I can do.  I’m helpless, powerless, weak, I have no choice but depend completely on God for $$$.

That’s the strangely satisfying struggle for money: getting to a point where the only choice you have is to TRUST in Him.  It’s actually must harder to trust in Him when there are things you can do in your own strength.  When you can work in your own strength, you don’t really “need” to trust in Him.  It’s a strange sense of relief knowing that I cannot make the error of raising support in my own strength, for the money is so beyond what I can do.

So while it’s stressful and time-consuming, there is a strange satisfaction in the struggle for money, knowing that God is in control and He has put you in a place of total dependance on Him. 🙂

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